7 Ways to Disable Disappointment

By · In Saving Sanity

Look.Disappointment

It’s not a deadly disease. It’s not a lost loved one. It’s not a divorce.

It’s just disappointment.

But there are those moments when, after enough jabs, one more can knock you to the mat. Head swirling. Tough to catch your breath. Tough to get back up. Shock. Panic. Anger. Doubt.

Over the last year or so I’ve been exploring … oh, let’s say a recareering. For years I’ve had my own business (which is a term I’ve used loosely for it) and since the recession, it’s dwindled. Well, it’s not all the economy. Sure I could blame it on that but you wouldn’t believe me anyway.

I lost the fire.

At this point in my life I’ve sought out a change. A vehicle by which to be of greater service to others. And to do work that matters.

I started volunteering a few months ago for a large non-profit. I used this tactic to help transition. A toe-in-the-water-show-hone-build-skills kind of move.

It’s been great. Found a fit. I’ve done well. I’ve been told that. Okay, you get the drift.

My supervisor has pushed me toward a couple of open positions. One seemed particularly promising. Until yesterday.

Passed over.

Again.

Face in the mat. Head swirling. Tough to get back up. Shock. Panic. Anger. Doubt.

I just want to lay here. Wallow a while with my friend, self-pity.

Questions hit. What am I doing wrong?  Did I blow it with past wrong choices? And now is it too late to make a change? I know I can do this. But it seems like a hard sell.

What do you do with that?

Well, in spite of how I felt, I went back to what I know. Here are my 8 ways to combat disappointment.

1) Get back up. I rode my bike last night. What I wanted to do was ride it into the sunset till I hit the ocean. Jump in and keep swimming. But I’m in Phoenix. So even though I rode pretty far, that would’ve been a little ambitious.  Anyway, that’s one way to combat mild suicidal ideation.

2) Reached out to a couple of trusted people. I do have great friends and family.

3) Felt the feelings. Don’t ignore it. Don’t fight it. It still comes out whether in relationships, or at the dog. Grieve it. Just don’t stay there.

4) Reframed it. There must be another door I’m to go through. In spite of nagging doubt, I’m believing on that.

5) Applied a one-day-at-a-time perspective. If you’re still breathing in and out, there’s a new start tomorrow.

6) Wrote this. Recently I’ve heard a number of people say that writing’s not all about you. Wanna bet? Okay, you gotta get in your readers’ shoes and all that. But as I write this, I clarify. I wrestle with my insanity, stupidity, fear, self-pity, and grief.

7) Helped others. Go ahead. Force yourself. Yeah, I showed up to volunteer again this morning. Got over myself for a bit. There’s always someone in a worse situation. Someone who could use your help. Oh, and, the Director and Vice President of the company happened to stop by.

Where will that go? I have no idea. Maybe nowhere. And right now I’m a little bit better with that.

Proverbs 24:16

- – -

What disappointments have you had recently? What did you do that helps? I’d like to know. And I’m not just saying general items like have more faith. That’s a given. But what’s shaken your faith lately?

 

 
  • Tom

    Garry,
    thank you so much for sharing this. Though you are in a tough situation, it is very encouraging how you are trying to cope with this. And I am sure that you will succeed.

    What has shaken my faith for the last year is, that I cannot be together with that woman that mattered the most to me in my whole life. It is exactly the way you wrote it – one jab after another, until you think you have reached rock bottom. It is not that she was unfair to me – it was pretty clear from the beginning that we probably never will be really together. The jabs came from myself I think.

    In the last three or four days now I am trying to make up my mind and face the situation. For the moment it seems tougher than staying in your own loop of self pity, but at some point you have to come out of it and start to move on, I think.

    I just started to read your post about a hour ago when my phone rang. It was one of my best friends who just asked how I am doing. Thats because I started to smile when I read your passage about reaching out to people you trust after that call. It is just great to have friends like this. I really want to stress your point about friends and family. Just talk to them about your problems. Sometimes it just eases the pain for a short moment, but for the most time they have good advise for you and it is just an awesome feeling to know that there are people who care and who are there to help.
    I know that it is sometimes hard to start a conversation about your problems even with your best friends or your family. Just do it. Only good comes from it.

    For me and my “problem”, I decided to move on. I know that there will be massive setbacks, but it would be worse to stay in the same situation I was for the last year.
    Move on. Try to grow from it. Sounds simple – will be hard. But is there another choice?

    Again, thank you so much for this post Garry. All the best for you.

    Tom

    • http://www.innovativesavings.net/ Garry Stafford

      Tom,

      Thank you for sharing your heart. I can relate. When you say, “The jabs came from myself I think.” Oh, man, isn’t that the truth?! It’s easy to pile on the pain and self-pity that just amplifies the circumstances. I’m guilty!

      And, yes, easier to stay in your own loop of self pity? No doubt. It has payoffs to be there. But the returns diminish over time. What allows for self exploration eventually inhibits growth.

      You bet! Let’s stress the importance of family and friends! Yes, the right, supportive people can help clarify direction. I would add that often by the sharing of it, the verbalizing of it, that it can come. And good friends allow you the space for that to happen.

      I commend you for your courage. It’s not simple, not at all. I’ve found that the decision I don’t want to make, the difficult one, the one that my flesh cries out against, is the one that I need to confront … and need to make.

      Is there another choice? I think you mean that to be rhetorical but what the heck. Yes, I think there’s always another choice.

      It’s making the right one that matters.

      Persevere.

      Garry

  • d g

    Garry,

    My faith has surely been shaken lately. I’m thankful for friends and family and articles like yours.

    My best friend, the man I’ve been married to for the last ten years, has confessed to being an alcoholic. Not only has he taken yet another job to keep him away from our family, but has specifically said that he wants to be away so that he can drink; as well as smoke, cuss, listen to secular music and who knows what else. He speaks so lovingly about his “buddies” that keep him in line, that he just met 3 months ago. But he degrades me and gave me specific instructions to stay out of his life, and says that what happens on the road is his business, not mine.

    I thought he had been acting suspicious for the last two years. I’ve pried and prodded trying to get him to see that he has slipped away from his relationship with the Lord and friends in the fellowship and family, but all it did was drive him away.

    He told me I drew the line in the sand when I told him I checked his phone records. I thought his behavior was that he was cheating on me, so I was hunting for clues. I see that he calls and texts a lot of “friends” so I asked how it was that he had plenty to say to others yet be so silent with me.

    Because of my behavior, he doesn’t want to be married to me anymore. So I, like you, play a lot of questions out in my head, “What did I do wrong?”, “How did I not see this?”, “Do I listen to him and file for divorce, or do I wait for him to come to his senses?” “Do I move ahead and get a job and put my kids in daycare, the one thing I didn’t want to do?”, etc.

    Plus, I have a hundred contacts in my phone, but it doesn’t ring, because he doesn’t call.

    • Garry Stafford

      d g

      I’m so sorry to hear of the pain you’re going through. I’ve been through it. And although I stay away from saying, “I know how you feel,” in this instance I think I can. This is the issue that we dealt with for 17 years and that brought down our marriage two years ago.

      Like you I pried and prodded. I also searched for bottles and cans. I tracked. I waited. I stayed up at night. I got angry at her, and even more at myself. I cried. I pleaded. I suggested. I advised. I tried to get her to see. I waited. I hoped. I prayed. I sacrificed. I was the martyr who took care of so much and tried to hold it together. I prayed some more. I demanded. I manipulated. I followed. I spied. I was the wounded spouse.

      Also, I’d ask the questions too. How could I have made this mistake? How did I not see it? What did I do wrong? If only I could do it right, maybe, just maybe she’ll change. If I could only be perfect enough. She’ll come to her senses.

      It’s what we do. It’s common behavior for one close to an alcoholic.

      And it’s insanity.

      It was hellish. I grew paranoid. I kept trying to make it better any way I could. Yet that only made it worse. Active alcoholism cannot maintain a healthy relationship. Lies, shame, guilt, cover up, are at the forefront, eroding connection.

      What helped?

      I had to get out of the way. No longer take responsibility for.

      What does that mean? It meant seeking out the help that I need to deal with this disease. I needed to begin to take care of myself. That sounds like it goes against what we’re taught as Christians. We’re to be selfless. Sacrifice. Live for the other.

      But if abuse, lies, manipulation and all that commonly goes hand-in-hand with active alcoholism exists we lose ourselves and we’re no longer in a healthy position to help. We’re enabling. We’ve no strength left for our own life, for our kids, to make healthy decisions.

      It degrades because, unless arrested, it’s a progressive disease.

      I don’t mean to paint such a bleak picture. There are miracles. God can heal. But it seems that when we’re stuck in this place of chaos and confusion we get in the way of allowing that to happen.

      For me, only when I let go–called detachment with love in Al-Anon–was God able to take us down a path that I’d never imagined and couldn’t have seen.

      What really hit my heart is when you said, “Because of my behavior, he doesn’t want to be married to me anymore.” I might turn that around just a little.

      “Because of active alcoholism, he doesn’t want to be married anymore.”

      It’s very easy for us to blame ourselves. You’ve been blamed. It goes with the territory. Active alcoholics can’t see it, or won’t admit it. The shame and guilt go too deep. So that feeds the need to lash out.

      The Word, prayer and support is a necessary foundation. But how to deal with the specifics of the disease and your reaction to it takes education.

      For example, Dave Ramsey teaches on the specifics of money, in the context of biblical principles. We don’t just suddenly know how to handle money, at least regarding specifics in this world, directly from scripture.

      This is a far more elusive, difficult, confusing, chaotic and damaging situation than most any aspect of how to deal with money. Yet Christians sometimes too quickly shun the healing of it via groups and therapy. Sometimes we don’t want to approach it. Shame follows us too.

      I firmly believe that one needs to learn about how to handle this situation on a daily basis. How to react. How to make decisions. How to have compassion. How to deal with anger, rage and abuse.

      I finally attended Al-Anon. You need people around you who have dealt with this disease. Who know how to respond to it. That’s the best chance you have to actually help the alcoholic.

      Not to do it strictly for that reason, but the obligation is now on you to change, to get better, healthier. And in that process that can sometimes have an affect on the alcoholic. The spotlight is back on them. And as you’re probably well aware, it’s uncomfortable for them to have to look at themselves.

      Yet it still must come down to him taking TOTAL responsibility for HIS actions and behaviors.

      Your decision on your direction shouldn’t be hasty. But you’ll know. Whether you’re with him or not, there’s a line that is drawn in the sand as to what you’ll accept. Not sure how it gets there, it just does.

      There’s one other thing I want to add that’s shared in Al-Anon. The 3 C’s:

      You didn’t cause it.
      You can’t control it.
      And you can’t cure it.

      That’s not yours.

      Take care of yourself. Do what you need to do to in all areas to get stronger. It will help you to deal with this situation in ways that won’t be driven by fear.

      I don’t mean to push much more on you. That’s not my place. ;-)
      Al-Anon online: http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/
      And one of the first books I got, it’s excellent: http://www.amazon.com/Wont-Wait-Up-Tonight-Alcoholic/dp/0345379403

    • http://www.innovativesavings.net/ Garry Stafford

      d g

      I’m so sorry to hear of the pain you’re going through. I’ve been through it. And although I stay away from saying, “I know how you feel,” in this instance I think I can. This is the issue that we dealt with for 17 years and that brought down our marriage two years ago.

      Like you I pried and prodded. I also searched for bottles and cans. I tracked. I waited. I stayed up at night. I got angry at her, and even more at myself. I cried. I pleaded. I suggested. I advised. I tried to get her to see. I waited. I hoped. I prayed. I sacrificed. I was the martyr who took care of so much and tried to hold it together. I prayed some more. I demanded. I manipulated. I followed. I spied. I was the wounded spouse.

      Also, I’d ask the questions too. How could I have made this mistake? How did I not see it? What did I do wrong? If only I could do it right, maybe, just maybe she’ll change. If I could only be perfect enough. She’ll come to her senses.

      It’s what we do. It’s common behavior for one close to an alcoholic.

      And it’s insanity.

      It was hellish. I grew paranoid. I kept trying to make it better any way I could. Yet that only made it worse. Active alcoholism cannot maintain a healthy relationship. Lies, shame, guilt, cover up, are at the forefront, eroding connection.

      What helped?

      I had to get out of the way. No longer take responsibility for.

      What does that mean? It meant seeking out the help that I need to deal with this disease. I needed to begin to take care of myself. That sounds like it goes against what we’re taught as Christians. We’re to be selfless. Sacrifice. Live for the other.

      But if abuse, lies, manipulation and all that commonly goes hand-in-hand with active alcoholism exists we lose ourselves and we’re no longer in a healthy position to help. We’re enabling. We’ve no strength left for our own life, for our kids, to make healthy decisions.

      It degrades because, unless arrested, it’s a progressive disease.

      I don’t mean to paint such a bleak picture. There are miracles. God can heal. But it seems that when we’re stuck in this place of chaos and confusion we get in the way of allowing that to happen.

      For me, only when I let go–called detachment with love in Al-Anon–was God able to take us down a path that I’d never imagined and couldn’t have seen.

      What really hit my heart is when you said, “Because of my behavior, he doesn’t want to be married to me anymore.” I might turn that around just a little.

      “Because of active alcoholism, he doesn’t want to be married anymore.”

      It’s very easy for us to blame ourselves. You’ve been blamed. It goes with the territory. Active alcoholics can’t see it, or won’t admit it. The shame and guilt go too deep. So that feeds the need to lash out.

      The Word, prayer and support is a necessary foundation. But how to deal with the specifics of the disease and your reaction to it takes education.

      For example, Dave Ramsey teaches on the specifics of money, in the context of biblical principles. We don’t just suddenly know how to handle money, at least regarding specifics in this world, directly from scripture.

      This is a far more elusive, difficult, confusing, chaotic and damaging situation than most any aspect of how to deal with money. Yet Christians sometimes too quickly shun the healing of it via groups and therapy. Sometimes we don’t want to approach it. Shame follows us too.

      I firmly believe that one needs to learn about how to handle this situation on a daily basis. How to react. How to make decisions. How to have compassion. How to deal with anger, rage and abuse.

      I finally attended Al-Anon. You need people around you who have dealt with this disease. Who know how to respond to it. That’s the best chance you have to actually help the alcoholic.

      Not to do it strictly for that reason, but the obligation is now on you to change, to get better, healthier. And in that process that can sometimes have an affect on the alcoholic. The spotlight is back on them. And as you’re probably well aware, it’s uncomfortable for them to have to look at themselves.

      Yet it still must come down to him taking TOTAL responsibility for HIS actions and behaviors.

      Your decision on your direction shouldn’t be hasty. But you’ll know. Whether you’re with him or not, there’s a line that is drawn in the sand as to what you’ll accept. Not sure how it gets there, it just does.

      There’s one other thing I want to add that’s shared in Al-Anon. The 3 C’s:

      You didn’t cause it.
      You can’t control it.
      And you can’t cure it.

      That’s not yours.

      Take care of yourself. Do what you need to do to in all areas to get stronger. It will help you to deal with this situation in ways that won’t be driven by fear.

      I don’t mean to push much more on you. That’s not my place. ;-)
      Al-Anon online: http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/
      And one of the first books I got, it’s excellent: http://www.amazon.com/Wont-Wait-Up-Tonight-Alcoholic/dp/0345379403

      • http://www.innovativesavings.net/ Garry Stafford

        d g,

        You’ve been on my mind since your comment and my, well, lengthy reply here. ;-)

        I thought of a couple of other issues that you might consider. You mentioned that he says that what he does on the road is his business.

        Since you’re married, you may need to take into consideration the impact that his behavior has on you and your kids while he is on the road and/or under the influence. Whether that has to do with physical issues or financial issues, such as what you may be responsible for in the event of an accident, or concerning any adverse affect on debt, income, expenses and so forth.

        Again, please, take care of yourself. Reach out to those who have experience with this.

        I greatly appreciate your sharing here. You’ve taken the first step toward your recovery from a difficult situation and I commend you for having the courage to do so.

        Persevere.

        Garry

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